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Tuesday, December 6th, 2005
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| Time: | 9:49 pm. |
| Mood: |  confused. | | Music: | Paul's damn cell phone song, fucker. |
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Attention:
Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to make an ammendment. To all those concerned, the previous post made was in no way related to, nor did it correlate with any supposed drug addiction I may hold.
Thank for your time, I will now return you to your regularly scheduled program.
~ The managment
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Sunday, December 4th, 2005
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| Time: | 4:37 pm. |
| Mood: |  tempted. | | Music: | English Summer Rain//Placebo. |
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Fuck! Fuckfuckfuck. My self-control is waning to dangerous lows. I told myself I would not fucking call. I'm not going to do it. I refuse to pick up that phone. I have some self respect, dammit. But it's so damn hard. There is NOTHING else to do. Everyone is either working, or sleeping, or grounded, or busy, or not leaving their house or whatever, and I'm left bored and tempted. It would be something to do. Hell, it would be what I really want to do, anyway. Everything else is just a distraction from what my mind is really focussing on. Dammit. This sucks. Wish me luck with my inner battle. =/
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Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
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| Time: | 4:04 pm. |
| Mood: |  dirty. | | Music: | Here Come the Bastards//Primus. |
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Okay, where's the fanfare, where's the astounding applause and 4 tier cake for this momentous occasion? That's right, ladies and gents, it's true. I have returned to livejournal. I know, I never thought it would happen, and I'm sure you didn't either, but under the intense poking and prodding by none other than LadyLauren, I'm back with a vengeance (not really). Whether or not I'll continue to update regularly, or semi-regularly is still to be determined, but hey, at least I've made a post. My first in at least a year, no less. Well, as heart-stopping as this excitement-packed entry has been, I'll let you all return to your mundane lives, anticipating my next update on baited breath. Until next time, kiddied, I bid you all a fair and frank, adieu.
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Friday, August 19th, 2005
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| Time: | 10:12 am. |
| Mood: |  distressed. | | Music: | Are We the Waiting//Green Day. |
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I know I should be ashamed of what's there. I should be ashamed of what I have, what's prevalent. Rather, within the depths of my fucked up mind, I find myself remorseful over the fact that there aren't more. There aren't enough. I want so badly to rectify that, but... It's been so long. I've been so good. Well, on the outside. It's a constantly raging battle within me. The thing is, I can't even tell which part of me is winning. I don't know what's right anymore.
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Sunday, October 24th, 2004
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| Time: | 12:41 am. |
| Mood: |  aggravated. | | Music: | Bad Habbit//The Dresden Dolls. |
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I really don't feel like going through boxes and reminiscing, in addition to being a packhorse and following your every sodding command, especially whilst in the middle of a nervous breakdown, let alone do it with a smile on my face, you whinging, pathetic, controlling, domineering, hypocritical SLAG.
Thank you for your time, we now return you to your regularly scheduelled programming and apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.
Have a nice day.
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Saturday, October 23rd, 2004
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The Grudge is freaking SCARY as fuck.
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Monday, October 18th, 2004
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How common are marebehr's interests
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Wednesday, October 13th, 2004
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I know it was yesterday, sorry for the inaccuracy, I just didn't have this available to me yesterday.
THE ULTIMATE SILENCE
October 12, 1998
Listen to the mustn'ts, child.
Listen to the don'ts.
Listen to the shouldn'ts,
The impossibles, the won'ts.
Listen to the never haves,
Then listen close to me ...
Anything can happen, child.
Anything can be.
~ Shel Silverstein
Six years ago today, Matthew Shepard was murdered for being homosexual.
What will you do to end the silence?
Click here to post this on your own page or weblog
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Monday, October 11th, 2004
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| Subject: | Fuck this |
| Time: | 10:02 pm. |
| Mood: |  overwhelmed. | | Music: | Half-Jack//The Dresden Dolls. |
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Fuckity fuck fuck fuck god damn fuck. Yes, yes, I have arisen from the grave after what, since I am not lame enough to actually go check the date, I assume to be a century of MIA behavior on my part. And, per usual, this will just be a rant entry, hence the title and lovely introductory words.
I hate being a junior. Classes are alright and everything, but god DAMN I have more work than freshman and sophmore year combined. I finished a shit load of AP Gov and Pol., now have some math to do, a bit of spanish, and need to study for a chem quiz. I also have an author study for both H English and Drama Lit. Have AP US questions due next week (that I'm splitting with Sam) and have that fucktard of a journal entry project for AP US that is so retarded that I desperately don't want to do, and FUCK, why did she assign it, if not only to torture us?! - due on the 25th.
I didn't go to homecoming. I got a dress, got no ticket, no good. Didn't go to Ben's box social. Didn't go on the Midnight Run. Did do back to school night, raised $84.25. Not as good as past years, despite my not-so-humble begging of the people walking by.
I feel sick now after drinking less than a tiny bit of bad beer with Eric when he came over earlier tonight (YAY, I saw Eric home from Plattsburg, loff for teh Eric dude). Ordered Chinese food, hasn't come yet, that or I didn't hear the doorbell and they left. I'd call and ask what the hold-up is, but I don't think I could eat it right now, anyway. I don't know. Maybe I'll call.
I hate the fact that I have school tomorrow, and that it's 10pm already. I hate the fact that no matter how much work I do, how much club participation I put forth, how much I unpack, how much writing and reading of fics and of my f-list I get done, no matter how much of ANYTHING I do, I always feel behind. I hate feeling so pressured by everything around me. Fucking walls are caving in. For example, on netscape right now, I have my LJ friends page open, and four fics that I am in the process of reading, that I just can't keep up on, or that I haven't been able to read yet. And I know that by later tonight I will have more to read piling up on my friends page from communities. I know this sounds frivolous and retarded and like something I don't really need to do, but you don't get it, and I don't have the time or energy or motivation to explain it.
I don't go to the crazy doctor anymore. I have no meds. My mentality still hasn't changed. Fuck that.
This has been too long. In summation, I hate everything, everything hates me. There, now aren't I a sad little goth girl?
Fuck you, all.
Thank you and goodnight.
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Saturday, September 11th, 2004
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There are certain people in my life that I just love so damn much. I'm not going to be a mushy GIRL, ew, and list them or anything, ha, ask if you want to know if you're one of them. Chances are you already know if you are. Just..being with certain people can pull me out of being..me. I know that doesn't sound good, you're supposed to be yourself with people, and well..there are people who I can be myself with, but really, I don't want to. I hate me, why would I want to be me? I like that I can escape me when I'm with these people. So..thank you. Thank you to teh lovers. They even managed to make me not post the fucking terribly ME entry I was going to. That's an accomplishment. Too bad I require so much solitude. Fuck.
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Saturday, September 4th, 2004
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I can't help but laugh. I can't help but laugh. Any other sound allowed escape from my mouth would probably break me. I would never cry, but the scream I'd unleash would be too much right now. For me, that is. I suppose if I look at it in the right frame of mind, it really is quite amusing. It's quite amusing how stereotypical this is, and it's bloody hillarious that it's actually real. It's fucking funny how I've come to realize that in my mother's eyes, my brother really is the "golden child." Today she was...fuck it, I don't want to talk about it. She's getting angry at me for doing my summer work and not packing even more shit up and moving it. I've packed and moved like a fucking pack horse for her, cancelled plans, blown off friends, put off work, and wanted to die because of everything I'm doing. Honestly, I need to be doing this work. I can't not do it. My education is far more important to me than wherever the fuck we live. The point is that wherever we live, I'll still be with her for the next two years. That's why this work is so important. I can't blow off my work for school, because school is what is going to get me the hell out of here in two years time, and I swear to Hecate, I swear to Bast I will not let her fuck this up for me. I won't let her. She's already done so much damage to it. I'm not saying it to just blast her, using her as a scapegoat, but so much pressure is already on me for it. She won't pay the tuition to any schools I want to go to, and she's already laughed in my face multiple times when I've talked about my dream schools. But it's fine. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt because I know I'm going to be better. I'm going to be better than she ever was, and I'm not going to do to my life what she's done to hers. I'm not going to have the worst taste in men possible, have an 18 year old miserable marriage, a 7 year relationship of hell, which in the process ruins the life and mindset of my daughter, who I honestly never meant to have, and would have been better of without. I'm not going to enter a business anything like hers, I'm not going to mess up my finances as badly as she had for her whole life. And I swear to everything under and above the sun, I am never going to hurt as many people with my problems as she does. I'm not going to unburdon my soul to people who have no business hearing it, and I'm certainly not going to expect others to snap their fingers and make it better. I'm not going to hurt the people in my life without even realising it, and I'm not going to...god dammit. Everyone swears they're not going to be anything like their parents, and they always end up just like them. That's not the case for me. I won't let it. I seriously will not allow it. I'll fucking end everything before I become her.
Fuck this pointless, useless rant. I have work to do. My work.
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Monday, August 30th, 2004
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Newest goal: Find someone with a tongue piercing to make out with. Anyone wanna help me out there? *raised eyebrow*
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Sunday, August 29th, 2004
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How is it possible for one person to be this pathetic? I simply, literally do not understand how I can be physically, mentally, emotionally capable to be this...this, well...PATHETIC. After what was an awesome-tastic day, here I am being..being me, doing the same things I always do. I'm sorely dissapointed in myself, and even further dissapointed that I'm not surprised by this type of behavior. Fuck me. Fuck to to Haydes. I truly wish someone, anyone knew how...Buggar that. I refuse to finish that sentence, in fear of it sounding far too emo. Goddess, how I hate me. How I hate this. I can't see a brighter future, and I hate that. God dammit. Someone make it stop. Please make this stop. Please? I'll do anything you so desire. Anything. PLEASE.
Anyway. Today was Becka's party. T'was fabulous. I got to see the Becka and the Heddie love again, which was truly spectacular, man do I love those girls. I also got to see again/meet Christal, Liza, Vicki, and John. I officially adore Christal, Liza is wonderful, Vicki is adorable, and John was quite awesome, despite the fact that he gets the same pleasure all men get it playfully torturing me. I don't get it. Oh well. Becka and Heddie insist that I was flirting with him. I don't know, maybe I was, I flirt, even when I'm not flirting I flirt, it's just the way thigns are, heh. But please, I was flirting with Heddie, too. And Casey. Sort of Christal. Semi-Becka, but not quite, since she's too devoted to Heddie and not as playful, teehee. =P I intend to get all of their sn's from Heddie or Becka so I can keep in touch with the wonderful people. We did the party thing, played Uno, Taboo, I gave Becka, Heddie, Casey, and Liza tarot readings, we had food, cake, I smeared frosting on Heddie's nose and she retaliated by spreading it on my FACE. Devil child *g*. We did presents (I went overboard, got Becka a black quill and ink set, a large roll of parchment, two pens [One Carebear, one Tinkerbell], and a "Correspondence Kit," it had a very pretty notebook thing, for letters, envelopes, stickers, er..I think some other stuff, I don't know. I thought it was fitting for her leaving for college....*sobs*). We Went swimming, went into town, John bought me coffee, sat at the pier for quite a bit, walked back to Becka's old place (where the party was being held). Hung out. Talked. People started leaving. Casey and I left.
Casey and I went back to her place so she could change, went to town to meet Eric and Ben Pagano who called my cell while I was at Becka's, wanting to hang out. Went back to Eric's, saw disgusting and FREAKY videos/pictures online. Ben, Casey and I played Donky Kong till we went CRAZY, while Eric played games on line with Justin Parnell. Eric's parents got home, hence bringing the car home, so Eric dropped Casey and I off, got back around 1, maybe a quarter to 1. Yeah, t'was all mostly fun.
I have other things to discuss, but..I don't particularly feel like it, so I shall end this entry here. Oh, and add that I hate older people and they're all deserting me and it's making me very sad. Eric's leaving in 12 days!! Twelve fucking days. Other people are leaving not much after that. I hate you all, I'm never making friends with older peple again. Assholes. Okay, that's a lie, but I truly am quite deeply saddened by all of this. *tears, sniffles, sobs*
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I had a very interesting conversation last night with my brother and his friend Will. Very interesting.
And on a completely different note...
This is the closest I've ever been to telling him. I'm actually seriously considering it. Yes, it terrifies me, but...I'm tired of being who I am and sticking with old habbits. It's time for a change. It's time I do this.
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So last night I had quite an interesting dream, one which I have no idea where it came from. ( It was so weird... )
Erm...yeah, that's where I looked up and saw the clock saying it was 1 o' clock and felt like shit because I was supposed to hang out with Eric around 12ish, and I was thinking I should have just stayed up the first time when I woke up around 10. And came over here to see if he was on line (DAMN HIM AND HIS AWAY MESSAGE OF OUT-NESS!!), and talk to others, and type this. Yeah, I'm done.
PS- You know how sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night for no reason, and just go back to sleep? Well when I'm in the part of my sleep cycle where I actually sleep, or basically, recently, or rather...for months, that hasn't happened to me (probably because I've been going to sleep in the morning, and I'm not very inclined to wake up in the middle of the day, instead the middle of the night). It happened last night, and for some reason, it felt really good, just to wake up, and stretch, and get myself comfortable again and go back to sleep easily for once. I even remember thinking at the time that it was good, and that I liked it. Hm..interesting. Sorry I bored you all with my interminably long description of my dream, if any of you even read it. Damn, I hope I find Eric. Alright, I'm out.
Later.
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 I am The Hermit
The Hermit often suggests a need for time alone - a period of reflection when distractions are limited. In times of action and high energy, he stands for the still center that must be created for balance. He can also indicate that withdrawal or retreat is advised for the moment. In addition, the Hermit can represent seeking of all kinds, especially for deeper understanding or the truth of a situation. "Seek, and ye shall find," we have been told, and so the Hermit stands for guidance as well. We can receive help from wise teachers, and, in turn, help others as we progress. For a full description of your card and other goodies, please visit LearnTarot.com
| What tarot card are you? Enter your birthdate.
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Thursday, July 29th, 2004
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| Time: | 3:14 am. |
| Mood: |  resigned. | | Music: | Kill the Poor//Dead Kennedy's. |
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So I was in my mom's room, having her rant at me about wanting to give me a sleeping pill because she was tired of me sleeping the day away because I'm on the part of my cycle where I sleep all the time, as opposed to not sleeping at all. Then she brought up the subject of changing crazy doctor's. I just sort of grinned half heartedly and asked her if she was planning on shipping me off to one therapist after another until I was magically fixed, and she replied with, "no, I'll just do it until you've grown up and gotten over this," and began laughing. Then she began ranting about how much money I was costing her with this shit. I have told her time and time again to just stop it, that she's wasting her money, and she refuses to listen or let me stop because she believes eventually everything will work itself out as long as she doesn't have to do anything more than write a check. If she insists on writing a check I wish it would be for some Paxil or Xanax or something, but despite the reccomendations of everyone else, she doesn't want to "mess with my brain while I'm still growing." Amusingly enough, when Donna suggested I see Dr. Bowman, this homeopathic doctor that helps without altering brain chemistry, she turned that down, as well. Though, she turned it down in her usual way, which is of course, saying she'll give it a chance (amusing how she's saying she'll be the one giving it a chance when I'll be the one dealing with the effects), and then never does it, despite people's urging. I've tried to give up so many times. I'm utterly, purely dissapointed in myself for not being able to.
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I really want to listen to some lovely classical instrumentals. Some nice violins, violas, perhaps some cellos, I want some beautiful sounds made by string instruments to invade my thoughts, to wash over me and place me into a lull of somewhere, somewhen, someone else. Anyone have any suggestions? Please send them my way, I don't need any more dissapointment. Fuck all of you who think that sounds too angsty, too emo, too gothic, too whiney, too bitchy, too me. I'm tired of censoring myself for you.
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
marebehr's journal
worn out.
contemplative.
grateful.
holding on.
